Not Unafraid. Courageous in a New Way.

Not unafraid. Courageous in a new way.

That is the best way I can describe where I am right now. And it took me a long time to find those words.

This newfound courage does not answer to anyone. It offers a fresh awareness of self, demanding more of me now, at this particular point in my life.

The desire underneath it is simple and vast at the same time. To leave behind a legacy of hope and inspiration, of empathy, kindness, and pride.

Years of hiding behind a baseless sense of stupidity, despite being intelligent enough, finally ended. I have come to understand that the baseless feeling was not my story at all and not even the story I was told- it was something that had crept up on me, unaware, through my own expectations of myself. I have this unsettled feeling in my body, even as I project the image of calm to all who know me. This shattered when I began exploring who I really was and what I am capable of creating. 

As I began to understand my journey and where I am today, I acknowledged the woman who has indeed been a success in so many ways. This acceptance was the beginning of the healing. 

On a normal day, I begin with my checklist and complete my planned tasks. I take lots of breaks; my brain needs uncluttered space, and I give in to that need. A space to explore possibilities, to read, to question, to dream. I wander into my backyard, tenderly caressing the flowers and making sure the plants are hydrated during Florida's scorching summer. The want is deep, and frustration torments me. I don't always understand it.

I reach out to play with my dog. And some days I indulge in therapeutic shopping and buy myself something pretty, something that makes me happy for the moment. I might feel a little guilty in hindsight, but I am a careful person, and I know that. Too careful.

I consciously ride out the day, knowing that the feeling in my stomach will settle. That I will handle it. Allowing it simply to be. I stopped fighting this a long time ago. I have understood myself better. I now know that I am the only one who can address my own feelings. And so I debate with the feminine divine — why this pain, what my purpose is, who I am meant to be. Once I have this chat,  a sense of being heard fills me. Life gets sorted out somehow. Like they always do.

I feel a resurgence within me. A hunger to understand, to make a difference, to do it with heart rather than battle. There are days I feel close to tears for no reason. There are days I feel incredibly alone on this path, though perhaps that is who I have always been at heart. A lone soul. Not lonely. Just solitary in the way some people are made.

As much as I love other human beings, at heart I feel alone. I know that when I go to bed at night, it is just me. I am comfortable in that space, but there are times when curiosity gets the better of me about why. Do all people feel this way? Is it the years of growing up without a father to support me, or watching my mother live a solitary life? Perhaps it is passed down — her solitary life becoming mine to carry, not as a burden but as an inheritance I am still learning to understand.

I listened to a beautiful Buddhist podcast recently where one line struck my heart. The teacher said that in finding your peace and being present, you heal past generations, your parents and beyond. That is what I try to do. Stay in the present and hope that something has healed, not just in me but in those who came before me.

I am healing small cracks in my own belief system that I did not know were there. And in the process, I am bringing the whole of myself — not the polished version, not the composed version — to my work and to my life.

The word discipline rattles me, though I live it quietly every day. The fear is now evolving into courage, of acceptance of having found my own rhythm. I trust it.

I am not finished. I am not stuck. I am in the liminal space — that sacred threshold between who I have been and who I am becoming.

When the thought of my past and who I am today floated through my mind, I decided to pen it down, to see if I could give shape to these thoughts.

I wonder if this resonates with you. If so, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Not unafraid. Courageous is the way.